I grew in a house where there where 3 things you could count on being there when you sat down to the thanksgiving table. Turkey of course , mashed potatoes, and of course a big gravy boat to smother it all in. I call it the holy trinity of thanksgiving, they compliment each other so well. And I dont mean that damn chunks of meat thrown into some water gravy i mean brown gravy with real live lumps. Sure there where other side dishes like stuffing, vegetables of different kinds or that damn odd ball casserole , but i avoided all of that. Then the days that followed Thanksgiving where like heaven , every day i could go to the fridge grab some turkey slap it on some bread then spread a thin layer of mashed potatoes over it like your spreading mayonnaise and pour the gravy to it. To hell with those other leftovers, the holy trinity was all i needed.

As i got older i started dating which of course led me to having thanksgiving at the families of my girlfriends on several occasions. My first year at a girlfriends house i walk in to see one hell of a spread food as far as you could see on the table but where the hell was the turkey? Instead in the middle of the table was a big country ham!!!! Panic set in and i began to sweat , just what the hell kind of communistic family was this? I made it through dinner all the time thinking they where about to bring out the turkey. Now let me tell you ham doesn't taste anywhere as good as turkey when its smothered in gravy but i managed as long as i had the mashed potatoes and gravy i could at least make due.

The next year it was a different girlfriend and the nightmare continued only this time it was worse! In the center of the table was this tear drop shaped thing covered in pineapples, cherries , and some sort of funky sugar glaze glistening in the light. What the hell was this creature and why was it taking up the turkeys spot? I had never seen a honey glazed canned ham before , personally i never want to see one again. Seriously if the damn thing looks so bad you have to sell it in a sealed can so you cant see it before you are ready to eat it , that should be a sign something is wrong!! Then to cover it in fruit? WTF its like throwing little chunks of meat into your fruit salad!! Again that year the potatoes and gravy saved me again, i slathered some potatoes on my roll and drenched it in my tear filled gravy and took it like a trooper.

These thanksgiving disappointments went on throughout the years as i was introduced to each new families customs. Luckily i never again came into contact with that damn canned ham nightmare but there was always something missing. One year i saw someone digging stuffing out of the ass of a turkey and that was right up there with the canned ham. Im a stove top type of guy , theres something about cooking bread crumbs inside the carcass of the animal im about to eat that doesnt appeal to me.

Then came the year i first went to my wifes parents house ,it started out great, i walked in and saw a golden brown deep fried turkey sitting there waiting to be carved and hell even a country ham too. The assembly line began with a row of people lining up to fill their plates i piled the turkey on then to be polite i took a sample of a unidentified casserole. I looked side to side and i didnt see any mashed potatoes so i asked my wife, which she replied " oh we dont do mashed potatoes, we do home made noodles" . My brain took a few minutes to process it as i held up the line , i thought " what the fu@% who the hell eats Fu@% noodles!!! where the hell where the Italian pilgrims?" Again to be nice i scooped a small amount of noodles on my plate and went on to my seat. As i sat down i looked around and no gravy boat to be see panic began to sit in, i asked my wife and she said "oh its over by the stove". I sighed in relief , at least i had turkey and gravy but when i got to the stove i see a bowl with what looks like old fry grease with little chunks of old fries or something still swimming around. Back to my wife i went, i told her i couldn't find it and she directed me back to the grease looking bowl which she explained was giblit gravy. Could it really be that i had finally come across a family that ignored two of the holy trinity!!!! i had found the nexus of thanksgiving hell !!!!!! I actually went out that night and bought a swansons turkey dinner in an vain filled attempt to fill the void that this had created. I told the misses of her families horrible thanksgiving ways the next day and the next year the mashed potatoes did magically arrive but still only that grease looking stuff for gravy.

Two years of complaining and finally i saw a lonely sauce pan sitting on the stove on thanksgiving day. Was it true was it really true could it be i finally got them converted to having the full holy trinity together on thanksgiving day? I poured it on ever thing on my plate smothering it all. With the first bite i could tell something was wrong , this was not ordinary gravy this had come from a can , they thought they could pacify me with canned gravy?!?!?!?!? how dare they insult the holy trinity with this impostor!!!! I checked the trash when i scrapped my plate and sure enough there was the empty can of gravy. Damn them.

It took 4 years of trying and my wifes grandfather getting remarried until i would see the true holy trinity once again. Seems my wifes grandfathers new bride was a bit of the old school cook and she might be the one to save me from this unholy thanksgiving terror. When i showed up her first thanksgiving with us i saw the gravy boat sitting on the table before i even got thought the front door. And yes it was real gravy with real lumps not canned, not grease with hunks of meat in it but real gravy. She had truly answered my thanksgiving prayers. Today i shall again go to my wifes grandparents house but this year i will bow my head and say thanks as i dine on the the true holy trinity of thanksgiving.